Rumors R' Us

**My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’***

**I said, ‘Dust.’**

**And then the fight started…** *

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*

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….*

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*

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…*

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*

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!! He
stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started….. *

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*

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started…*

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*

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some
place expensive… so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started…*

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*

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your
chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security
application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.’

And then the fight started…*

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*

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn’t been sober since..’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…*

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*

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my
order first. “I’ll have the steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…*

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*

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was
not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.’

The husband replied, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started….. *

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